this beer tastes like vomit already
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
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