So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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