and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
