Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
