I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
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