What tipped you off? The sombrero?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
