I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
