I am puke
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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