uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
