I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
