i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
