Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
