2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
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