I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
