Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
