My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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