I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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