I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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