Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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