Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The Olympian is in my bed
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
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