god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
