She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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