The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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