I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I could make wine with my vomit
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
