yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I need a beard to bite.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
