Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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