I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
