The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
