I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
