Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
