yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
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