too bad you live with your parents still
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
