the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Randomize
