he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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