I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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