Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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