Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
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