It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
