The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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