Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
