I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Randomize
