it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
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