You just made me feel so damn special
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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