we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
