I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
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