dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
