i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
He shit in the fireplace
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
