She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
