you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
