my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
