went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
